After all these years, I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I concluded a public, memorial service for an individual who was going to be cremated the following day, with the chanting of “El Malei Rachamim.” In other words, I forgot to invite the attendees to join with the mourners in the recitation of the Kaddish!
I was horrified when I learned of the magnitude of by mistake after returning with the family to the waiting room. It was a daughter of the deceased who revealed my error. I was speechless. I was mortified. After regaining my composure, and after offering my profuse apologies, I asked that the mourners and their loved ones form a large circle and we promptly recited Kaddish. In the waiting room!
I recall that for several days after this very unfortunate (and clearly unforgettable!) incident, I continued to offer my sincere apologies -through both calls and emails – to the mourners.
It seemed to me that we often fail to own up to those we have wronged – deliberately or inadvertently. We tend to view the Yom Kippur imperative of “teshuvah,” repentance, through the lens of a secular new year, resolving to correct our misdeeds by never repeating them again. But that’s only part of the story. Repentance is not only about personal introspection and self-improvement. It’s about coming face-to-face with the ones we have hurt or injured – verbally or otherwise – and asking to be forgiven.
The primary aim, the major goal of Yom Kippur is not necessarily repenting but apologizing. We stand before God and recite the so-called “Vidui,” confessional, no less than ten times (traditionally speaking) throughout the day. Yom Kippur is not so much about our personal resolutions as much as it is about talking to God, as directly and as intimately as we can. It’s about apologizing and re-establishing that irrefutable though, at times, hidden connection with God. On a human level, it’s hard to come face-to-face with the person or people we have wronged. Who knows how he/she will react to our advances. Instead, we tend to play the avoidance game. Repentance is all good and well, but it must begin with sincere regret!
So, don’t forget, prior to standing before God tomorrow night, to apologize to those you have wronged!
I look forward to seeing you at our stirring, powerful Kol Nidrei service. Please don’t forget your silver-bound machzor and, if you’re accustomed to wearing it, your tallit!
I wish you, in advance, a “Tzom Kal,” an easy but meaningful fast and a “Chatimah Tovah;” that you and those you love will be sealed for good in the Book of Life.
Robert
Old York Road Temple-Beth Am 971 Old York Road Abington, PA 19001
